


nothing changes, anyhow

by something_soft_and_soaked_in_pain



Series: reserve the right to love [2]
Category: Hamilton-Miranda
Genre: Angst, Disassociation, I Love To Project, Mental Illness, Multi, sex as coping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-18 01:25:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10606416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/something_soft_and_soaked_in_pain/pseuds/something_soft_and_soaked_in_pain
Summary: eliza and alex have bad days.





	

**Author's Note:**

> title from nothing changes by anaïs mitchell  
> for reference: alex is autustic, eliza has bpd  
> set before my heart is yours

When Eliza opens their eyes, they know it's gonna be a bad BPD day. They've been out of serotonin for two days and haven't been able to pick up more. Hence, their rotten mood. They're angry at the very existence of air right now. They pull themselves from off the couch where they'd fallen asleep, and trudge toward the bedroom. It feels like an eternity and a millisecond all at once. Time is weird when they're in one of their moods. It either passes lightning fast, the clocks speeding up with every second, or too slow. Eliza hates the slow days. The air feels wrong, feels like something cold and viscous is seeping into their lungs, and they can't breathe around it.  
There's a vaguely Alex sized lump in the middle, covered by a heavy blanket. John is no where to be seen. When had they gotten there?  
"Depression Cave?" Eliza asks the lump. Alex sticks out one finger for yes, their old code for these types of days.

  
"Can I come in?" Eliza asks. Alex sticks out his finger again.

They climb in under the heavy blanket with him. In the low light Eliza can see he's been crying, tear tracks evident on his face.  
"What are you okay with today?" They ask, their voice cracking from disuse.

  
"Today is not a touching day." Eliza nods and forms a pillow barrier between them.

  
"Need anything?" Eliza asks, and he shakes his head.

  
"No talking." He says, tucking the blanket tighter around him.

  
Eliza wakes a few hours later, the blanket bunched around them, Alex gone.  
They wander out to the couch where Alex is lying, his head in John's lap.

  
"Where've you been?" Eliza asks.

  
"I got us food, and you more serotonin." John says gesturing to the takeout bag on the counter. "Feeling better?"

  
"Not really. What's with him?" Eliza asks, tearing into a packaged muffin with their teeth.

Alex's face is pressed into John's thigh, like he's trying to burrow into the soft material.  
"Bad sensory day. Nightmares as well." John says, running his fingers through Alex's hair.

  
"Thanks for the food, and the pills." Eliza says sincerely.

They contemplate taking one now and decide against it. Even though it's stupid, their constant anger and sadness is familiar and they still haven't gotten used to being level yet. It had taken Alex and John a long while to make them acknowledge their mental state, their low points lasting days at a time. When they were happy, they were nearly manic, doing everything with exaggerated fervor.

  
"What'd you do besides get food and serotonin?" Eliza asks, dropping onto the couch, careful not to disturb Alex.

  
"I went down to that new community center on 183rd and asked about teaching some art classes to the kids. Nothing out of the ordinary." Eliza nods and stares at their muffin.

They wonder about who's touched it before them, and suddenly feel sick.

  
"I watched the bakery guy wrap it, he wore gloves the entire time." John says, sensing their mood.

They can't get the thought of germs out of their head. The muffin feels dirty, the inside of their mouth feels rotten. They can't breathe. They're vaguely aware of John grasping their hands, his lips moving without sound. When had he gotten up? How long had they been sitting? Alex is up now too, Eliza thinks. They feel bad, why did they have to bother him with their shit when he was already feeling bad? John's voice suddenly comes back into focus, like someone flipped a switch on the sound.

  
"You're okay, Eliza. You're okay, it's fine." John says, prying their hand away from their arm where they had dug their nails into it. They press at the angry half moon shapes, decide they want more. Alex is sitting up on the couch, concerned look on his face.

  
"You're okay." John says. They let him hug them, scoop them up and carry them into the bedroom. Alex isn't far behind, crawling in bed beside them, but being sure to keep his distance. John pulls them into his lap, holds them tightly.

  
"I'm sorry." Eliza says softly.

  
"Hush. You're allowed to not be okay, my love." John says, pressing a kiss to the crown of their head. Eliza feels a tap and Alex smiles sheepishly and signs ' _I love you'_ with fluttering hands. Eliza mouths it back and snuggles deeper into John's chest. They still feel manic, brain going too fast for them to catch any coherent thoughts. They only know that they want pain, want John, they _want_.  
Hypersexuality, their doctor had called it. Came with the BPD. Their therapist had warned against this, using sex as coping, using it so their partners world hurt them so it wasn't technically self harm. They ignore that thought.

  
They press themselves more fully against John, shifts until their head is resting on his shoulder. They grind down on his lap, making clear of their intentions.  
"'Liza." John chokes out.

Eliza kisses him forcefully, licks into his mouth until he kisses back with the same passion. When they break away, his pupils are blown wide, black nearly drowning out the green.

  
"Okay?" Eliza asks.

  
"Yeah. Whatever you need, sweetheart. I've got you." John says.

  
"Want to hurt for you." Eliza says.

John nods and slides them off his lap. Alex is watching with rapt attention, his eyes as dark as John's. They have a silent back and forth, Alex nods and goes to get something out of Eliza's field of vision.  
"Be good for me, honey." John says.

He strips them methodically, taking care to fold their clothes neatly. Alex slips a blindfold over their eyes, while John tips their head up to kiss him. The world falls away and they're gone.

* * *

  
Eliza comes slowly back after John and Alex have taken care of them.

  
"Thank you." Eliza says into John's hair.

  
"Anytime, sweetheart. Feel better?" He asks. They nod slowly, press a kiss against his neck.

  
"Good." He says, pulls them tighter against him.  
They drift lazily, not letting their mind stay on one topic for too long, disassociating slightly.

  
"I think I want forever with both of you." Alex says suddenly, he's far away, nearly off the bed.

  
"I think I want that too." John says. Alex looks at them carefully, trying to gauge their emotions.

  
"Forever's a long time." Eliza says.

  
"I want that with you. Both of you." Alex says.

  
"Yeah, I want that too." Eliza says.

**Author's Note:**

> this is so short lmao  
> I'm sorry if the ending is weird I wasn't really sure how to end it, but another installment of this series is up!!  
> I'll try to have another one up soon!!  
> I'm always free to talk on tumblr @balaga


End file.
